Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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