just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
