i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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