just come out here and I will go home with you...
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
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