I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
