New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize