In the future we'll all be gay
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I need water and some morals
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
