I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
