i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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