I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
please come you make the beer taste better
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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