did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
