I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
