she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
