I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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