If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
