all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
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