Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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