so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
