Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize