I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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