He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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