Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
