The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize