rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
