i used baking grease as lip gloss
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
