I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Randomize
