1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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