The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
