So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
