I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
