I got chris browned last night
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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