oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
