I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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