The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
