Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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