Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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