2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Dear god my vagina.
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