I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
