I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Randomize
