Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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