you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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