you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I want her autograph on my taint
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
