New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
