This house was built for laser tag.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
