I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
