Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
