i don't plan on having that self control this summer
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
