don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Randomize
