i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
