Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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