life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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