it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
