No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
