did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
