I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Randomize
